last chapter

Wanting to say my last words before I leave the world before me, yet my lips are sealed and expressions keep forming... I sit here with a pencil in one hand and a gun in the other, trying to think clearly but my mind's in a gutter... I have no real motive to want to end my so called life but I feel like everything has betrayed me like its my time to fly and leave behind all the fairy tales all the lies, 2 reach unknown grounds in a world of freedom and comfort... as my pulse races I tap my head with the revolver, tears flow from dry weary eyes, breath escapes from a being dead to its own life... my fingers tremble as they resemble coldness and fear, thinking back at the memories I've come to known over my years the good ones seem to vanish in pain and despair wishing to look for answers to at least one of my prayers. I have cheated death many times before growing up as a child my heart raveled to unfold... but what else is there to look for when the heart is numb or when all your achievements have crumbled down to none. So why not pull this trigger and end my pain why am I still breathing what is there left for me to gain, I wonder if it's my guardian angel who has now control of my moves is it he who now has the healing to my wounds, I contemplate who will miss me the most but I look into their faces and they all seem like ghosts not a single strand of emotion like the sand once cradled by the ocean, its still and deep stuck in 1 single motion. Shall I scream and say I need your love, shall I blame the one who reigns from above shall I take out my anger on those who have caused me so much hurt or shall I spit on the path I've once led on this earth??... the suicidal mind is so dark and so cold, like ice on a stone. The devil inside me has now been provoked. The tap tap tap of my gun is starting to arouse me, as it speaks so calmly yet so proudly "it's me who can erase those undesirable memories" as the devil now controls my every move, entirely .... Still the pencil remains with in my hand and words reveal I'm still struggling to let go of my stand, to sell my soul to he who is unknown... the want to live wants to remain in my possession but the taste of death has now become a part of my obsession no one really knows how long will I last without craving death so maybe I should just get over with it and put my life to rest... so with my eyes close and a tear about to fall I lay my pencil down after writing my last suicide attempt...... (((((bang)))))